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Definition:
A woman whose husband has died: a woman whose husband has died, especially when she has not remarried.
I wonder why they put the especially. Does that imply that she is a special widow?
Or maybe it is simply because she just couldn't bring herself to remarry.
When your husband dies, the first words are condolences. The second set of words are "Don't make any big changes for a year".
Yet the single biggest change in your life has just just occurred. There isn't much more advice than that given to a widow. There is so much more that should or maybe could be said. Yet, the suddenness of actually becoming a widow stops you emotionally, mentally and physically. You are alive but the words walking wounded cannot adequately describe the how, what and why of you are in that time and space. There is no preparation that I know of for the actual death of someone that is a huge part of your life and is so loved by you.
I was never mad at him or God for his dying because many years prior to his diagnosis. I knew that it was beating a dead
horse, so to speak. The First slap of pain came years before from the knowledge that Agent Orange could still come back on a veteran 35 to 40 years later. Then KY authorized a special one time payment to anyone that served in Vietnam. He got a payment. I tried to make every day count and buried the little bit of knowing a possible future consequence deep. So, no I didn't get angry, The boy just couldn't help himself, as the song went. Though I tried, I had asked him, once only once, to promise me that he wouldn't die before me. I didn't tell him why I was asking, I just asked. He simply said, "Woman, I can't promise you that." Note: Kentuckians say that, woman, instead of your name when it's a loaded question directed at them.
This part is important. Doctors do not tell you as soon as they absolutely know the prognosis is fatal. Somehow if you are in this situation,
keep talking until you drag it out of them. Do keep in mind that Medical Science Cannot Fix Everything. Then you can have what they call
"Quality Time" together, instead of the endless rounds of medical care. Those quality times came to be a significant part of the good
memories to this day for me.
The Second slap of pain came when the Family physician's nurse gave me that single sheet of paper to take to the oncologist. I suppose that was their way of telling me what the diagnosis was. She knew I knew medical terms. This isn't to say they could have handled it a better way, it's just to say that the doctor and his staff where also shocked. They had grown to like my husband. He was that kind of person.
So, off we went on the chase for a 'cure' of which we found out there is none for his type of cancer. It was still a shock that last
day. I stood there, totally helpless. I would only move when one of the nurses or doctors were checking him. They too had grown to like
him in spite of trying to keep a distance. They knew especially after the last CAT scan there was no going back. I was told as gently and kindly as anyone could be expected to be told that is now a matter of days.
The nurses and doctors that cared for him were there in the room with me. Final Slap of pain: He dies. It was surreal the way they were there as if their presencewere a strength that he and I were fast loosing. They did give me that much which is more than they were probably suppose too given their line of work. I can still remember their faces, not their names (bad at names) and the look of true sorrow for his passing which cannot be faked. There truly are moments when you can look at a memory and it is like a photo.
Afterwards, I again had to make a hard decision. The doctor was probably thankful she didn't have to ask me, she did kind of look relieved.There are only two verification methods of a disease, biopsy being the first, autopsy being the last. In his case, an autopsy was necessary because of the cause of his cancer. It was also to add to the medical knowledge and to help others down the road.
Then came the transport of him to his hometown family cemetery. He died on the 2 of November which was a Sunday. The autopsy was scheduled for early Monday morning. It seems that the paperwork necessary to transport a deceased person across state lines (in our case TN to KY)had to be completed in both states. November 3, TN finished their paperwork, faxed it to KY, except it was late on Monday when they finished it.Kentucky offices were closed until Nov 5. It was election day the fourth, all State offices are closed. Did I say, Final slap of pain? Forget it, by Sunday night the feeling that hit me was like walking underwater, literally. If you've never tried walking underwater, it's much like walking in deep mud except you are completely surrounded from head to toe. There could have been the added sleep deprivation in the situation also. Don't count on sleeping much those last few days.
Note: there are a lot of decisions to be made afterwards if not preplanned. I must say though that preplanned doesn't always work out.
Clothing, casket, flowers, food, etc, you may have help and then again you may not. Sometimes the help doesn't feel right to you.
Say so, change it, do what you feel is right.
By Tuesday, the funeral director took me aside and explained that there wasn't going to be a viewing and a funeral, Wednesday and Thursday. It would have to be rescheduled to Thursday and Friday. He was late for his own funeral held up by circumstances. He as well as all over the road truck drivers know, on occasion, thereare truly circumstances that keep you from being on time. Being married to a long haul driver, I was well aware of circumstances, the experience of which helped me cope with the new arrangements. OK, new arrangements for all the family too which didn't go so well on their part.
I have come to the conclusion that the faster funeral arrangements can be made the faster everyone goes home, at least being on the widow side of the circumstances. It also precludes anyone having extra time to say or do anything idiotic. If a widow or widower doesn't ever speak to you again, you did a huge no no at the funeral of their spouse.
I was extremely proud that my youngest son's CO and the Red Cross had made arrangements to get him to us two weeks prior to all of this.I'm not sure if he would have been buried that Friday if it wasn't for him. I may very well have said, fine keep him until I get ready.
Don't make any big changes for a year. I kept repeating those words once I got back home and then did the opposite. Those words may make a difference to some in a like situation but for me it was all wrong. How could I open a drawer and see his things? How could I use the plates, silverware, drive the car, anything that he had used? The hurt of his not being there would slap me over and over, reminders of him. I wanted to remember yet those months of his illness had overlaid so much of the good memories. Those good memories took time to come back to the forefront.
There was very little that I wanted to keep. It was a shared his (tools etc) and ours, bits and pieces of life with our family. A month later I had them come get those bits and pieces. To this day, they are grateful. It was like a closure for them I suppose. It was after all the sorting out of those bits and pieces, that the good memories came back slowly but they did come back. All it took was moving three times, (grin) a lot of travelling, back and forth between TN, IND and KY and many days and nights of music and the Internet.
If anyone ever becomes a widow or a widower, please note, do what feels right to you. Do not regret anything you do during that time before you come back to yourself. You are not you and that's the long and short of it. Well, unless it's illegal, then you should regret it.
There is grief counselling, other resources and the oft offered pills (choose none for me). There is a warning though that you can come to be dependant on those resources. Too many times people fail to pull themselves up from a bad situation and just simply rely on someone/something else to do the pulling. I never saw that workout very well in the long run. Do keep talking to people or just stay on the Internet, little by little you do come back.
Finally, two years 5 months later, now, I can say that I am here. Not like I was because a huge part of the me is gone. Several times, people would tell us, if there was ever two people that were meant to be together, you two are it. We just smiled. We already knew it. He knew it first, I'm sometimes slow on the uptake. (smile)
I didn't write this for any particular reason except maybe it needed to be written. Dying and funerals are so not taken into consideration by anyone until the actual time slaps you. It is a hard slap of life too. From the start of whatever physical reason causes a person to die to the aftermath for the spouse and family, it is the least thought of subject that really does need to be thought of and taken care of as much as possible. The spouse and family truly do get left in a very bad space without some kind of preplanning and care in arrangements. Well, unless you really are a procrastinator and leave that 'junk' room for them to sort out. Do be kind though the slap of pain is harsh. Preplan.
To all my Vine Friends, thank you one and all. You have helped 'bring me back' in a lot of ways, big and small. It is way too easy to go down into that pit of grief stricken mourning and extremely difficult to drag yourself out of it. Thankfully, because of everyone and everything I did, I didn't get mired down too deep.
