A few minutes of laughs, giggles and grins from my BF since HS (PS add her to your prayers, she had some not so good news from her latest DR visit and now has to do some more testing sighhhhh)
The 5 Minute Management Course
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the cow patty, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the cow patty , and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who doos on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
(3) And when you're in deep doo, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Oh, just time for one Blonde joke of course!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
My BF added this one for all the Net email she gets, derived from her daughter signing her up as a Friend.....
And this from someone that was really, really fed up with all their spam email:
This has been around before but how true it is. I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t go to Walmart with out wearing blinders for fear of seeing butt crack and other things that might blind me! You know who you are that sends me these pictures! I laugh until I have to go to Walmart for more depends.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 in coins dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over...
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Observations on Growing Older, some old some new:
Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!
Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"
When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything .
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything .... especially golf.
Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.
The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.
Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ....
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.
You used to use more 4 letter words ....
Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....
2 of which you will never wear
But old is good in some things:
And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!
Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
Some how to "Fix it" items, the innovative way.....took a lot of thought for these ..
Don't have a spoon, stick a fork in a styrofoam cup
Seatbelt broken? Stick the top part in the window, roll up window
Flat screen TV too big for entertainment center, cut the side out of the entertainment center
No bottle opener, drill hole in a piece of 2x2 and insert bolt leaving enough room to open bottle
be sure and put hexnut on end of bolt
No ice chest, use the washer
Can't see the ATM screen, have hubby take shirt off and hold over behind you
People begin to cut their wisdom teeth the first time they bite off more than they can chew
We all can't be heroes, because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Be thankful that only you and God have all the facts about you.
Lots of folks have nothing on their mind, and it definitely shows.
She really loved this one!
Hi: Quite innovative and I think, a good idea -- not too much
more confining than a nursing home! I haven't tested jail beds,
Let's put the SENIORS in jail, and the CRIMINALS in a
This way the SENIORS would have access to showers, hobbies and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions,
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and
they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly ,if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counselling, pool, and education. Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard ,with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V.
radio, and daily phone call
There would be a board of directors , to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would
be strictly adhered to.
The "CRIMINALS" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights strictly off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room , and Pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out!
Message about growing old, uhhh, where was I, ohh,mmmm let me see, hmmmm, dang it I forgot!